if god gives us times of dispaire to make us stronger... then why does he take the ones in life that gives us the most strength?

I guess you can say...
I'm pretty pissy lately, but I think I have all the right in the world to be depressed, pissed off ,and just plain in bitch mode over 80% of the time now. I mean between march and this month I've been tested so to speak, and if I hear just one more damned person tell Me to get over shit they do not understand nor have been threw so help Me I believe I will kick there teeth in. yes I know I know this god thing about how we are tested to make us stronger but what do you do when the one person you know that makes you stronger isn't here anymore? what then? I think about My sister all the time several times a day. I guess her death gave Me more hope for a heaven perhaps even a bit more faith that it's really there and our forefathers aren't just fucking around with our head, life and everything else. I believe in spirit, ghost and anything else you would like to call them. so why is it so hard for Me to just give full faith and believe everything I have been taught to think My whole life? right now if all this is true god is testing Me way too much lately between going threw two years of watching My sister die with cancer having hope just to have it dashed when it came back. then her death. and all between this I have normal life issues also car screwing up, other deaths, stress, work, it all then couple months back someone broke in to My house and stole almost everything small enough to shove in My baskets and took the hell off. in the end of it all our neighbors got arrested for breaking and entering. not My house or anyone Else's but a church of all places. I still haven't went to the police no wait they said the sheriff station like that should be a fucking different place but here in scottsburg it is. but anyway sorry for the rambling just trying to get things out of My head before it festers more and end up taking over. Maybe I'm wrong and it's just bad things happen and god is testing us. but what if right now in My mind I'm right and there is no real hope of anything? what if this is as good as it gets? what if god is just a mean child playing with toys? what if there is no heaven no hell no anything just earth and we are bound to it for eternity? even after death we are meant to roam in another realm of earth hit and missing the ones still alive? I guess I will never know... well not while I'm alive anyway...

and a small note to friends and family who are god fearing... I'm not atheist... nor a satanist... I just have questions and things I needed to get out... so read this put it away and shush about it... everyone fights their own demons right now I am My own... and NO I don't believe I'm took over by Satan or anything else... maybe I shouldn't post this cause I have the feeling it will get out and reworded all wrong... oh well I'll take My chances...

paranoid...

I will not bow. I will not break.
I will shut the world away.
I will not fall. I will not fake.
I will take your breath away.
I'll survive...

paranoid---

I have lost the will to change.
I am not proud, cold blooded--fake...
I will shut the world away...
Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to heaven
All is lost again, but I'm not giving in

my nightmare

Rambling of My Nightmare
Rachel M. Turner
July 2009



I awake this morning to find myself in the same nightmare. I have been living in for a little more then four months.I realize this is not a nightmare. I realize it is my real life it has consumed, My very thoughts are eating me.I am dieing a slow death with no where to run.I haven’t had rest yet still I must push on.



Let me start from the beginning

I woke up one morning and she was gone
no where to be found, my sister, my peter
has made her way to heaven
leaving me here to face fears alone

I will end my life to day if I was promise to see her again
thats not the way it goes...
it makes me wonder if there is really a heaven
how will I know that I am not waiting in vain...

I have this life to live knowing
I will never have a chance to hold her
to hear her voice... to see her face...
to know her laugh... to feel her gaze...

this is driving me insane to know that this is my reality...
it is my living nightmare...

I sleep a little longer because sleep is the cousin of death
I have a chance to talk with you a little longer even if it is just
in my dreams...



This nightmare of mines is almost like living in limbo right here on earth
My heart is so heavy...
I cannot find the words...
I want to use to express feelings...
without getting upset, crying and yelling...
this world is so unfair...

I miss her so much that at times...
I get lost in this nightmare of mine...

I don’t wish this much pain on anyone...
not even My worst enemy...

still I live this nightmare...
until it is my time...
who knows how long...
God may set me free...
until that time comes I will be here...
living in this nightmare of mine...