from FB forgot to put it here but "one year"

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my... h...eart.

I think of Destinee everyday there is not a day or hour I dont have her in my mind remembering things from the past even yesterday i woke to her voice. I heard it so destinctly I could have sworn she was by the bed if not in the living room. she said my name 3 times. after my eyes opened i waited for it again even waited for her to bounce in to the bedroom from the living room. for a min i thought i was going crazy for hearing her but its not new for me to think i hear her voice or see her every so often. I called mom right off cause I thought maybe something had happend and she came to me and woke me but seems it was all in my mind, nothing was amiss everyone was fine. maybe if shes telling me something she will come again. my mind started early this morning thinking about what today is its a year one whole year i cant believe i even made it i truely thought i would lose my mind i think i did for a while. i cry still when i hear certin songs or see or do certin things. i dont mess around in stores like i used to with destinee. i dont really have anyone to play with like that anymore.

I remember a lot of things mostly mean and michevious things really like telling beef he broke the couch, or saying me and her was twins when i moved back. hanging out on the trampoline for hours just talking looking at the sky. I remember when we were much younger i guess i never noticed she tryed to follow me a lot more then I payed attention to her. i wish i could go back and keep her at my side every second i could when we were growing up. it took years for me to finally see how much she was like me. how much we looked alike and acted alike and liked the same things. i remember on vacation when we were goofing off and she was trying to balance on rocks with me and we watched the setting sun, skipped along a path in the woods with the boys following, i remember she liked this plastic thing everyone seemed to wear on there neck back then kinda a tatoo looking thing she loved mine and i finally gave her one she wore it forever that summer till it broke, i ment to get her another but just forgot to. I remember laughing with her and i remember her laugh. i still wait to see her come threw the door as if shes just been at school. i remember how her hair felt when i brushed it when we were kids i remember when she shaved it and we sat at the mall and she wanted me to count the freckles on her head, silly i know and i did she has 10 total... i remember a lot i seen much more then most got to see while she was sick i hate it somedays i even curse it and wish for them memories to go away. but i have to keep them i have to think of her im scared one day ill forget. not that she was here or that shes my sister and turned out to be one of my best friends and hell shes my twin just she was 10 years late.

One year ago today
The world came crashing down,
My live fell to pieces,
But no one heard a sound.
My strength disappeared,
fell into the dark
&started drowning in tears

i remember her fave perfume and how her hair smelled then i remember how the chemo smelled i remember when she would tell me about if she ate certin things her skin would smell like it it made me laugh but i understand. i have tryed to collect up storys from friends and anything small to put on the profile i made her ive been told it dont feel like her and i know cause she didnt make it i did in memory of her i look at it too i see things for her but its not her her old profile is her i helped her with it but i still cant put the destinee in to it like she can i miss her i see people call her peter and it makes me smile cause i was first to ever call her that long ago shes my peter im glad she liked that nickname it was never ment to stick but it did at least with close friends.



A year ago you left us,
And in our hearts you’ll stay.
I hear a laugh & turn to look,
To find not you, I have to say.
I miss the mischief in your voice
the tone that’s meant to play.
Before we took for granted
these things that made up you.
To dream of these,
and now it’s silenced too.
Now that you’re gone & I can see,
It’s more time I’d wish for me.
think of all the kindness
and of your caring ways.
You’ll always be remembered,
Until the End of Days

RIP Destinee J. Turner 6/27/1991-3/5/2009

Viva-Las-Vegas ( day one in vegas)

So, here I am in the supposedly most exciting town in the US well that is what they say right? I mean "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". Least so I'm told. I'm in the hotel room right now the place is called " the wild wild west" eh, it's a Days Inn. not bad pretty clean and decent place for the price. Wasn't aware of the pool and hot tub, yeah big pout face about this. I would love to take a dip in the hot tub for a few hours tonight. Not really interested in the pool but I know I would end up in it. I sat outside by it in a lounge chair for a bit this morning till the sun got me lol black jeans and a gray shirt and sun blaring isn't quite what I need. I know I'm pale but I enjoy my skin and don't want a tan really at least not a on purpose tan. Right now I'm sitting at the small table every so often taking a look at the beautiful clear sky and palm trees outside. Wish I could see more but fence and a walkway won't let that go, but if I could see more it would just be the city sky line. Not too much for me really I like outdoors to see the sky mountains just nature not buildings no matter how many lights and how it's shaped. I prefer nature. Ive been waiting for the damn maid all morning makes me wonder if she is waiting for me to leave. it's already noon. All I want is bed made, towels, and trash done. I'm not picky I don't need the floor vacuumed or anything major. I like them to make the bed cause well I'm lazy lol sometimes I don't even bother having it made at all. I would have blogged yesterday when I got here but I was so damn tired two planes and way too many hours and steps to make it here. I'm glad to be here for the week well business week like 4-5 days. Not long I guess, wish I could be here longer. Wish I wouldn't be going back to Indiana soon. I really like Indiana for family and friends but really it holds nothing else for me. Just memories and I can take them anywhere. I wish I had brought my camera or was able to talk mom in to letting me use hers. I'm actually tempted to just make the damn bed myself, least it would look neater then. OH and in need of TP really came here and there wasn't much on the roll and no extra roll, maybe that is how they do it here, I know anywhere I've been before and the hotel I worked for people would 1- be getting in trouble and 2- hotel would be looked down upon. yeah small thing like TP ends up a big thing to a guest. I worked front desk a few years it's amazing what a guest will bitch about sometimes. OH and calling to the front desk here 20 mins on hold for a user name and password for the net here and still didn't get it so waited a few hours and called back. I understand shit can be busy at the front desk but a normal guest would have really balled them out over it. UGH looking at the clean water of the pool makes me tempted to go buy a bathing suit here but really I don't want to spend so much on one cause I know it would be at least 30 bucks. Maybe I can run to walmart and just get shorts and a tank? Think I could get away with it? eh probably not. Maybe another bad thing here, you can hear everyone around you voices doors the whole lot and I seem to have a very loud mouthed man next to me and it's not english I believe is Arabic? Hindi ?Indo-Aryan? Not really sure just the accent and voice sounds around in that area. Please no one take that wrong just was going by the accent and voice to what language it would be.

I took a small break from my blog. Called the front desk and asked about when the maid might be around and she said there was no set time that they work in sections, I know this already I just want a made here before too damn late, it's already one here. One of my favorite movies is on "Sabrina" not the old one but the new one I think was re-made in the 90s, I have yet to see the older one. I do want to see it but I have yet to I'm not much on black and white movies. well guess I'll end this blog now and write more tomorrow think I'll go out side and enjoy the day. hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Blessed be
~always~
Raychel

The smell of fall & walk on water

Finally it smells like fall. I was riding in mom's car today windows down sun bright and warm, the wind blowing right in my face, a bit too warm for fall really but oh so nice. I know I'll regret it but I couldn't stop smelling the smells of fall in Indiana. The reason I'll regret it is cause my allergies will be haywire but it was worth it. I mean really have you ever just let the wind hit you and take a big deep breath and smell the dry air in fall?? Here you can smell the dry grass and leaves I guess in a way it's the smell of death for mother earth. between that and the farming around here where they have harvested the corn and soy.. and even smell the drying of tobacco in the barns around here. I've already took some sinus and allergy medication hopefully I'll catch it all before it attacks me.

  I love seeing all the colors that come out in fall then I get excited thinking about Halloween coming up and thoughts of decoration and outfits for this year take over my mind. I love fall I always have. I hate that it is 82 out way too hot for Indiana in fall but soon it will get cold again. the weather has been bouncing from chilly to warm it's really annoying but it will get cold soon when all the leaves die and it starts frosting. I wish I had took photos today of how completely beautiful it was. I felt like a puppy enjoying a car ride  head half out the window had a strange urge to bark a people just to freak them out and maybe pant a few times.

  I had a pretty good day today till some old man thought it right to act as if he can walk on water and judges me for parking in front of walmart to wait for mom to get the small top cake for the wedding it shouldn't have took too long in and out right. well the guy is just out of the blue looked at me and stated " whats wrong with the parking lot" and I just told him I'm waiting for someone. simple enough you know its not like i left my car out there and went in or she was shopping for a lot just a damn cake! but anyway so there i sat really wanted to be an total ass to him yet, not even 5 mins later he comes back nothing in his hands and said " your still there" and I just blankly said " sure am, my shits not been brought out yet"  I'm sorry but normally I am not rude to anyone, yet this about 50 year old man starts with me over me parking for about 10 mins in front of the door, I have done it a lot when destinee was sick and I pulled the car around and got her in the car and such. I really wish it was one of them moments just so I could have made the man feel horrible for opening his mouth to me like that. in fact I wanted to tell him " can you walk on water?"  basically i would hope he would catch that enough to make him realize we all are not perfect IF the worse thing I do is park in front of walmart I think that's good cause what I keep in my head is a hell of a lot worse then 1- what i say  and 2-what i do. IF I did all i wanted or said all i wanted I would be in jail on death row. So those out there who think I'm just a horrible person think before you speak and don't judge me till you can walk on water.


update..

not much of one I'm making another blog that will be folklore and other storys and tales I remember and can find really hope people will take a look at it thought I would blog quick and let the small bit who read my blog know of it.... hope all is well out there


~peace, love & ducttape~

AHS Graduation 2010

Serious this was so boring, I'm sorry but it really was for 75 kids that was graduating it should not take an hour and half to do... not when other schools who have 400+ students do theirs in the same time. I mean come the hell on... I was truly expecting a bit more then 30 Min's but no they had the band play the choir sing and I think 8 people with speeches. Not even where I graduated did all that filler, and I graduated with a huge class. Sorry if I'm wrong in feeling this way but hell what I was told they would have in memory of my sister wasn't anything. That not only ticked me off but hurt some of my family in the process. They put her gown on a chair yeah a chair where she would have sat with her diploma holder, her cap, and a program. That was nice of them since they didn't have to do anything and I understand that. But originally it was going to be me or mom sitting there and we would accept it for her. They had a moment of silence for her, and flashed a couple pics of her when all the other grad pics was finished. They didn't even put her in order with the other kids hers was last. Maybe I shouldn't care so much but we was originally told about a lot that was going to happen this day and none of it happened. but anyway if there are any other graduates out there good luck and I'm happy for you. Blessed be.

If you write it, they will read.

I guess it's been a long time... I've got busy with a lot of things. No one missed me anyway no one reads this blog but hell I should write more then maybe people will read right? I mean " If you write it, they will read." right?

OK... so, what have I been doing you ask. A lot between helping mom with her stuff, my own junk, then also helping with the scholarship fundraising, helping with party planning ( b-day, baby showers, graduations) you name it I've been helping with it. Oh, and the newest addition my wedding. I was planning it for next year but, mom pushed to have it this year if she paid for it. Can't pass up the chance for her to help with it cause we really don't have a lot of money for anything other then bills really. So, it was moved up a lot... like a year and 20 days to be exact.

I'm trying to plan the wedding but seems everyone is trying to get me to do other shit when I really don't feel like messing with anything else, then when I get finished with what they want guess what I don't feel like messing with any wedding plans or anything I just want to sit and do nothing and let myself rest. I feel so lazy but hell I can't help it when I feel like crap most of the time over one thing or another ( body or mind depends on the day really).

If anyone is reading this they are more then likely saying " just say no" well I can't normally especially when its for my mom or something to do with my sister. Hell few months back I lost my grandmother to cancer now. She had cancer and took chemo/radiation and all and it worked for well over 5 years but the cancer still came back in another area. So, what can you do? when life is quite literally stacked against you in every and all possible way.

Tonight is graduation for Austin High School. I know most of the kids of 2010 and even some before and after cause Destinee would have graduated tonight, they are doing a honorary graduation thing for her. I'm proud of them all for making it, I know some kids didn't and it hurts a bit cause I know they aren't thinking about the future and what it will bring with out a diploma. But I do, I've seen a lot who haven't graduated or even have a GED go to hell but then some go really far.

My mom and dad neither graduated but they did well. yes factory work, but still they did well with their life and for us kids. I think mom was a Junior in HS and dad was in 8Th when they was signed out for one reason or another.

Well, I guess I have rambled enough. I hope to get some kind of feed back, blessed be.

New Years Rose

New Years Rose
by: Raychel Darkling

The beautiful rose has always been attributed deeper meanings, used to deliver messages between lovers and friends. This habit literary bloomed during the strict Victorian era when passionate messages could be exchanged between lovers in the form of innocent looking bouquets. I wanted to make my own rose for you..

Its thorns to show the past and our strength to carry on. The bud is for whats yet to come blossoming in to future. The petals soft caring bloomed in celebration of our life.. The stem and leaves to show a long lifeline.

Red is for our love and romance past present and future. Pink is for the grace and elegance that we all carry. Yellow is for the friendships we have made. White is for the hope we will always have. Orange is for our own desire may it never die. Peach is for the dealings in our life may they all go well. Green for all the births this year and may there be many in the future. Black is for the deaths how the ones we have lost will always be missed ,also black for new beginnings. Blue to show the mysteries in life. Lavender is for our imaginations and enchantment ,and tea rose simply because i will never forget you.

I chose to write this as a single rose in meaning i will always love you and never forget you. I write this for a few specific people in my life who has touched me and been here for me in good and bad times you know who you are and I love you and always will. May all these be remembered from our pasts our present and our future together.

May we all have some peaceful hope at last..

happy new year


,....
,,'' ""-.
.--,,' "",
,. ,' .-, ... `
,' ,' .-" ``. : .,.
,'".' : , ,--;-, `.," `.
,' : : ' : : ` '-, `.
, , : : : . ', : ` `
,' : `. : : `"'`. : : :
: : :`. `. ,' : : :
`. ` : `. `-,...( .,' , ,'
: : : `. ' " ,' :
`. ,", `. "----' ,' ,
`", `,. `, .' :
: `, "-,.,. ,,' ,
` `,. :'---"' ,'
`-....- ,'
"-. "-,,....,-"
,,-,. .. `.. : ,.''"----"",...
,'""' "" `-. . ` -.. ..-`).,,' `.
,"' `" ,( `"""" ,' ' ' , `"`
: --. , ` `. :: ,. : : ,'' .'
( `"), `. -. `. `, .' , , ,'`""- :
: ,... ,`,.' ` `,:`,. ' ,' ,",-- ,'
` `. `. , `", ' :, : ,.'' "-- ,'
`, : ,' `, `,` :: : ,.: .'
` -,..---"`'"''. : ,'`,`. :: ,"'`"-,... ,,'
`, :`'"' `, :`.,", ' ,'
t ,.-`---,.. : )' '-`-..... -''
`. ,""""""' : ``. `,", .'
`"`-. ' `, :`,..,.,'""""
`-,...-,.,' ", `, '
", `,.
: `,.. ,.
"""- .``'`-.. ,...,
``-.. `""""' ,
`""---....'